The Wall is Broken

Its a rainy day in Washington. I love rainy spring days. I generally feel productive and happy to be inside. I know that the rain is great for the earth and will be appreciated once the steaming, hot summer days roll around. What I don't love, is when rainy days don't turn out the way you would like them to, and then it is easy to blame it on the rain.

So, hear me out. I need to vent/rant/get all of this off my mind in hopes of moving on with my day. To date, this blog has generally been happy, uplifting, fun posts. I have made light of any bad days and made my best attempt to turn all bad into good. I have built a wall against my sadness that I generally deal with on my own time. Today, my emotions are going to be expressed through my blog. They are raw, real, and painful. My wall has been broken. I am struggling. For reasons that I cannot disclose on here along with personal gut instincts, I just found out that my "ex" (eww I hate saying that) is "seeing a couple of girls". It has been 4 months to.the.day that I moved out of his house, swallowed that gut feeling, and began to give this whole "single life" my grandest attempt. I'll be the first to say that I don't deal with break ups all that well. It would be easy to cut all ties, turn my back and never look over my shoulder. It would be easy to hate him with all I have and just laugh at all of his imperfections. It would be easy to say he's a fool and it is all his loss. But why do I continue to feel as though I have lost someone that I loved with my whole heart, that I am thankful for the opportunity, but I am just not ready to move on. How is it so easy for him to move on after just 4 months, put it all behind him, and give someone else his heart? My heart is still shattered (although it is getting better), and I am in NO place to date anyone. I have made several attempts. I have introduced myself to complete, adorable strangers. I have tried talking to new guys, I have attemped match.com (oh, that was my "secret" from a few weeks ago that I never divulged), and I just can't seem to pull myself to moving past "conversation". I am so guarded. Marriage is forever. I was supposed to get married. I loved him "forever" despite ALLLLLL of the NUMEROUS arguments, lonely nights, disagreements about life. How can you go from loving someone "forever" to dating someone new just 4 months later? I still have nights where I just want to crawl back to what used to be my safe haven. This may sound ridiculous, but I feel as though I am going through a divorce. How do people do it? Better yet, why do people do it? If it does not have to do with abuse, how can someone just give up on their life partner? Marriage is forever. It is not just the "marriage" title, it is "unconditional love". My heart hurts so bad today. I want to think about all of his terrible qualities that helped ruin this relationship, but it never works out quite that way does it? I continue to think about the good times (maybe because that is what I want to think about). I am just plain sad. There is nothing else to say except that I want these tears to stop streaming down my face. I am much prettier without them.

~ Dear God, thank you for giving me a family who loves me unconditionally. Thank you for providing me with two parents who will never give up on each other no matter how bad life gets. Parents who have set an incredibly high standard and example for marriage. Thank you for giving me friends to catch me. Such as my girlfriend who has just experienced a similar situation and who is ALWAYS there to help me regardless of how stupid my complaint is or how intense my excitement is. Thank you for friends that live hundreds of miles away, some whom I have never met, who constantly provide me with encouragement and uplifting thoughts. Thank You for never giving up on me and giving me the ability to trust that this is part of Your perfect plan. I will continue to ask for another happy, fulfilled day, and do my best to make this day as good as possible. Amen.